5 Basic Things You Need To Know About Sexual Response
By Tara Few
When it comes to sex many of us spend more time in our own heads listening to a running commentary about the sexual impression we are making than we do really focusing on our partner. When your evaluation of your own sexual performance becomes more important than connecting with your sexual partner and making sure that your ‘performance’ is what they actually want, then you may find that you forget very basic knowledge about how bodies work sexually. The following list includes common mistakes that men and women make because they just aren't paying attention. Most of it you may already know but do you remember it all when you're actually having sex or do you let yourself get in your own way?
1. DO NOT CHANGE TECHNIQUE OR POSITION AS YOUR PARTNER IS ABOUT TO REACH ORGASM
This applies to both men and women but is perhaps a more significant warning about how to abort a woman's orgasm. The male orgasm, at some point becomes inevitable. There is a point at which he IS going to come. If his partner changes what they are and how they are doing, this may reduce the intensity and pleasure of his orgasm but it will not stop him from coming. Most women require a consistent and rhythmic pressure to reach orgasm and, if this is suddenly altered before she orgasms, her ability to reach orgasm can dissipate instantly. I need not emphasise quite how frustrating this can be. This sort of misjudgment tends to arise when we are too busy listening to the kind of sex-based self-talk that is urging us to do something rather impressive rather than focusing on our partner and what they need. Also remember that women's orgasms can last 4 times as long as a man's, so don't stop what you're doing until she lets you know it's OK to stop. Certainly if she's had an orgasm via clitoral stimulation, she WILL let you know because the clitoris becomes extremely sensitive after orgasm and continued touch and pressure is more painful than pleasurable.
2. MANY MEN SIMPLY UNDERESTIMATE HOW LONG IT CAN TAKE FOR A WOMAN TO ORGASM
Much of the internalised anxiety we have about orgasms (when will I? am I going to? how long is she going to take?) can be reduced by knowing that most women are going to take a while. Many men simply underestimate how long it may take for a woman to orgasm. The oft-quoted for statistic of 20 minutes is not a standard for all women but it does give an idea that just because she is not there after 15 minutes, now might not be the time to give up trying. The amount of time before orgasm is going to depend upon how aroused she is at the beginning what you are doing and also who is doing it. Sometimes 2-3 minutes can be enough but this is likely to be the exception rather than the norm. Be prepared for how ever long it takes. Make sure you are both comfortable. For instance, if you are giving her oral sex, ask her to move her pelvis and hips against you rather than you moving your tongue all the time.
3. BOTH OF YOU MAY BE THINKING MORE ABOUT YOUR ORGASM THAN YOU ARE ABOUT EACH OTHER
Nothing is more likely to thwart an orgasm than the desperation to achieve it. Women who would like to orgasm more often are vulnerable to a destructive form of self-talk that sends them messages about the impossibility and futility of their ability to reach orgasm. This makes it impossible for the woman to relax into the physical sensations as she is too busy listening to an internal dialogs of criticism and judgment. Sometimes being determined to physically move into and against the pressure that your partner is providing can help to get you in touch with what your body is experiencing. To make orgasm more likely you may need to make sure that your partner is not trying to rush you towards orgasm, which he may be prone to do if he is inexperienced and thinks he's failed if you haven't come after 5 minutes. It's nobody's fault; you need to learn to communicate with each other, practice on yourself and work on generating more useful and relaxing sex self-talk.
4.THE DISAPPEARING CLITORIS
It is not unusual for women to berate men for being unable to find their clitoris. However, there is a very good reason why this is the the case. During sex, the clitoris has a tendency to go into hiding and so evade a well-meaning tongue or finger. What happens is that the clitoris retracts back into the clitoral hood and becomes difficult to find. Many men then experience some difficulty in locating it again and many women might fail to understand the very good reasons for his confusion. If this happens, either just stay stimulating in the same general area of her body or you can place your hand above her pubic bone and massage and pull up with the palm of your hand to encourage the clitoris out again. Not a big deal but a lot of women are unaware of how tricky and evasive the clitoris can be.
5. THE MOST SENSITIVE PART OF THE VAGINA IS IN THE FRONT THIRD
Nobody really knows how many women orgasm through penetration alone. The most usual statistic quoted is about 30%. Whatever the exact figure, I think it is safe to say that most women are not likely to reach orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. This means that men need to know a bit about her sexual anatomy. The greatest concentration of nerve endings in the vagina are situated in the front third, the third nearest to the vaginal entrance. Also, as of you are no doubt well aware, the majority of women find it easiest to orgasm through clitoral stimulation. This information should give you a good idea about where best to apply sexual stimulation if the intention is female orgasm. Using your fingers to thrust very deep inside her is less likely to get her to orgasm than is steady and rhythmic pressure to and around the clitoris. It is quite likely that she may find deep pressure arousing but less so that it will bring her to orgasm, unless she has a particularly sensitive G-spot (against the front of the vaginal wall, found by inserting a finger and then doing a beckoning motion). Similarly the most sensitive part of the penis, for most men, is the head especially the frenulum (between the head and the shaft - you've probably already found this but may not know the name).
Remember what I am telling you are generalizations and there is no substitute for asking. Good, clear communication feeds sexual pleasure, increases intimacy, makes sex more fun because you are both more relaxed and helps both of you experience more confidence and fulfillment.
(c) Dr Tara Few, 2007, The UK Sex Coach. http://www.uksexcoach.com
I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style, desires and needs. Connnect to the fun and pleasure potential of your sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more confident lover. You will update your knowledge, skills and become more accepting of who are you sexually. Contact me on tara@aragoncoaching.co.ukTo receive regular tips, techniques, articles and resources about sex, sign-up for my monthly eZine VENTURESQUE using the sign-up box on my website. http://www.uksexcoach.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tara_Few
http://EzineArticles.com/?5-Basic-Things-You-Need-To-Know-About-Sexual-Response&id=540949
