The Sex Factor - Romance With Your Spouse After Children
You know you're a mom when...you promise your husband tonight is the night, but you happily sneak up to bed, relieved that he fell asleep on the couch.
Not to gossip or anything, but a recent visit from a friend of mine resulted in us having a conversation about sex after a baby. Slowly her sexual drive has returned as her hormones have balanced out after pregnancy. Her four-month-old is happily sleeping in her own room now, giving mom and dad their personal privacy back. Doing better than I did, she's enjoying sex, but did say light-heartedly, "We did it last night, so I'm off the hook for a few days". Simultaneously we both laughed, kindred spirits in the fact that sex at the moment is not the most important thing on our list.
Like many of my posts, I ran the idea in this week's "You Know You're a Mom When..." casually past my husband. Feeling rather witty and spot-on with my comment, I repeated it half laughing while smirking at my own personal accuracy. There was a sort of dead silence in the room. "That's not that funny" he replied, neither impressed nor amused by my remark. "Come on" I responded, once again validating what I know so many women can relate to and find laughable. He was neither convinced nor interested, and just gave me that look as he walked away.
In their own way at evoking humor and cliché, men have grumbled about sex after marriage since the dawn of time. Yet, it did start me thinking less about my own indifference to it and more about his need and desire as a man and sexual creature. Most people know and agree with the fact that men need sex as a physiological part of their coding and make up. A woman's personal feelings and opinions often override what men need and allow them to forget or look past this so-called necessity in their day-to-day lives (me being in that group).
So juggling all the things we do, not really feeling up to it and truly needing/craving/wanting sleep, how do we create that spark of interest to get the fires burning again?
In my research on ways to improve sex with your husband I came across eHow.com. They suggest things like talk about your fantasies to get stimulated, be spontaneous and have sex somewhere risky, or maybe create a home video or photo album for his eyes only. Great ideas, but who has time for that? (I clicked off that site because obviously it was written by someone without kids). To their credit though, they did suggest, 1) Talk about it! Yes, with him or her, not with your friends, not with anyone else. It's absolutely amazing how many lovers simply don't communicate openly and honestly with one another on what is enjoyable about sex.
Expert Michael Webb, author of 500 Lovemaking Tips, offers 10 Ways To Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship:
1. SEND THEM A UNIQUE GIFT
2. BECOME KIDS AGAIN
3. HAVE FUN WITH WATER
4. A MASSAGE WITH A TWIST
5. BRING BACK CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
6. STARE AT THE CLOUDS
7. WALK ALONG THE BEACH
8. ORGANIZE A PICNIC ON A WARM SUMMER'S NIGHT
9. SHOW YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER
10. SPICE UP YOUR LOVEMAKING
Not sure if he has kids either (who's watching them while I'm staring at the clouds?), but at least he's getting closer and his suggestions are appropriate.
Then, I found this site, http://CharmYourWife.Com. Robert Steele writes, if men want more sex with their wives', they have to start educating themselves on what to do and what not to do concerning a woman's emotional state. "When your wife has a comfortable sense of well being, knows you truly love her for who she is and that of all the billions of women in the world, you want only her, then you'll probably get as much sex as you can handle"! He also goes on to say, "To romance your wife is to make her feel special - like she's the most special women in the world to you. To romance your wife is for you to still "court" her - as if you're still "chasing" her to win her heart."
My favorite quote from him is "when a husband knows how to please his wife emotionally and to romance her, she will just naturally want to please him. That's how women are "wired".
I found it interesting that although I know my husband requires sex and we can do "things" to improve it, creating a mental and emotional connection is really the key to that locked door. It also made me realize that I have the power to create that connection myself. When my husband comes home and I instantly tell him how my son put a dent in the wall, the property taxes came and I haven't had time to dye my hair, all he wants to do is withdraw and disperse. So it is up to me to have more light-hearted conversations and less complaining. More about what was good in the day, what things worked out and the events that made me happy and brought joy to the kids. He would then want to reciprocate the gesture, feel open to listening and free to share in return. All the things I truly want and the start of creating the closeness we both ultimately desire.
I'll get back to you on how well it works. In the meantime you may want to send this post to your husbands' and see if any of the suggestions interest him.
Standing on my soapbox,
JB
JB Owen-Sacallis
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