The Sex Factor - Romance With Your Spouse After Children

By JB Owen-Sacallis

You know you're a mom when...you promise your husband tonight is the night, but you happily sneak up to bed, relieved that he fell asleep on the couch.

Not to gossip or anything, but a recent visit from a friend of mine resulted in us having a conversation about sex after a baby. Slowly her sexual drive has returned as her hormones have balanced out after pregnancy. Her four-month-old is happily sleeping in her own room now, giving mom and dad their personal privacy back. Doing better than I did, she's enjoying sex, but did say light-heartedly, "We did it last night, so I'm off the hook for a few days". Simultaneously we both laughed, kindred spirits in the fact that sex at the moment is not the most important thing on our list.

Like many of my posts, I ran the idea in this week's "You Know You're a Mom When..." casually past my husband. Feeling rather witty and spot-on with my comment, I repeated it half laughing while smirking at my own personal accuracy. There was a sort of dead silence in the room. "That's not that funny" he replied, neither impressed nor amused by my remark. "Come on" I responded, once again validating what I know so many women can relate to and find laughable. He was neither convinced nor interested, and just gave me that look as he walked away.

In their own way at evoking humor and cliché, men have grumbled about sex after marriage since the dawn of time. Yet, it did start me thinking less about my own indifference to it and more about his need and desire as a man and sexual creature. Most people know and agree with the fact that men need sex as a physiological part of their coding and make up. A woman's personal feelings and opinions often override what men need and allow them to forget or look past this so-called necessity in their day-to-day lives (me being in that group).

So juggling all the things we do, not really feeling up to it and truly needing/craving/wanting sleep, how do we create that spark of interest to get the fires burning again?

In my research on ways to improve sex with your husband I came across eHow.com. They suggest things like talk about your fantasies to get stimulated, be spontaneous and have sex somewhere risky, or maybe create a home video or photo album for his eyes only. Great ideas, but who has time for that? (I clicked off that site because obviously it was written by someone without kids). To their credit though, they did suggest, 1) Talk about it! Yes, with him or her, not with your friends, not with anyone else. It's absolutely amazing how many lovers simply don't communicate openly and honestly with one another on what is enjoyable about sex.

Expert Michael Webb, author of 500 Lovemaking Tips, offers 10 Ways To Rekindle The Magic In Your Relationship:

1. SEND THEM A UNIQUE GIFT
2. BECOME KIDS AGAIN
3. HAVE FUN WITH WATER
4. A MASSAGE WITH A TWIST
5. BRING BACK CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
6. STARE AT THE CLOUDS
7. WALK ALONG THE BEACH
8. ORGANIZE A PICNIC ON A WARM SUMMER'S NIGHT
9. SHOW YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER
10. SPICE UP YOUR LOVEMAKING

Not sure if he has kids either (who's watching them while I'm staring at the clouds?), but at least he's getting closer and his suggestions are appropriate.

Then, I found this site, http://CharmYourWife.Com. Robert Steele writes, if men want more sex with their wives', they have to start educating themselves on what to do and what not to do concerning a woman's emotional state. "When your wife has a comfortable sense of well being, knows you truly love her for who she is and that of all the billions of women in the world, you want only her, then you'll probably get as much sex as you can handle"! He also goes on to say, "To romance your wife is to make her feel special - like she's the most special women in the world to you. To romance your wife is for you to still "court" her - as if you're still "chasing" her to win her heart."

My favorite quote from him is "when a husband knows how to please his wife emotionally and to romance her, she will just naturally want to please him. That's how women are "wired".

I found it interesting that although I know my husband requires sex and we can do "things" to improve it, creating a mental and emotional connection is really the key to that locked door. It also made me realize that I have the power to create that connection myself. When my husband comes home and I instantly tell him how my son put a dent in the wall, the property taxes came and I haven't had time to dye my hair, all he wants to do is withdraw and disperse. So it is up to me to have more light-hearted conversations and less complaining. More about what was good in the day, what things worked out and the events that made me happy and brought joy to the kids. He would then want to reciprocate the gesture, feel open to listening and free to share in return. All the things I truly want and the start of creating the closeness we both ultimately desire.

I'll get back to you on how well it works. In the meantime you may want to send this post to your husbands' and see if any of the suggestions interest him.

Standing on my soapbox,

JB

JB Owen-Sacallis

http://soapboxmama.com

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5 Things You Should Know About Sex and Spirituality

By Conroy Reynolds

Sex is often portrayed in the popular culture as medium of ultimate pleasure and delight. Seldom is it seen as an expression of spirituality. However I believe a deeper consideration of this divine gift will broaden and deepen our spiritual dimensions.

1. God Created Sex

The most direct connection of God with sex is that he created it. Consequently sexual intimacy reflects the divine purpose. The pleasure that is derived from engaging in sex suggests that it was not only intended for procreation as some have suggested but it is also a celebration of love. Further the fact that we were created with the capacity for ecstasy speaks volumes about the creator. Being spiritual therefore is about enjoying life to its fullest.

2. Sexual Intimacy is an Expression of Spirituality

The joining of two people in sexual intimacy reflects the unity of all creation and that of the creator. From the biblical perspective God is a triune God, meaning one being in the three persons who are completely unified in purpose and action. This unity is expresses itself throughout nature and all created things. There is an undeniable unity that connects us all to each other and with our environment. This is becoming more evident as we observe the delicate balance that supports life on planet earth and the effects of our actions on the environment. Sexual intimacy is an expression of the underlying unity of creation.

3. Sexual Intimacy Produces Life

Life is sacred. The connection with sex as the source of procreation gives the act undeniable sacredness. Those who engage in sex therefore should do so with a sense of its sacredness. This is evident in the afterglow phase of sex when the physical unity is followed by a spiritual and emotional connection that allows for a deep bonding of the participants that is probably not replicated in other way. Bonding itself is fundamentally spiritual in nature.

4. Good Sex Requires Connection with Self

The ability to maximize the spiritual, emotional and psychological effects of the bonding that takes place in sexual intimacy requires deep intrapersonal connection with myself. This is what prepares me for the deep intimacy of sex. As a therapist and mental health chaplain I often work with persons who use the pleasure of sex as a substitute for dealing with inner pain. For them sex is a purely a biological act. They feel incapable of engaging in the bonding connected to it. This is because of the fundamental disconnection with self.

We conclude then that sexual intimacy is a divine gift designed to bring greater understanding and appreciation for ourselves and our relationship with God and each other.

Conroy Reynolds, MS MA is a mental health chaplain and ordained pastor. He is also the author of "Finding God in the Dark." More information is available at:

http://www.outskirtspress.com/findinggodinthedark

Blog http://conroyr.wordpress.com/

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Relationships and Sensuality - How to Become More Sensual

By Deb Allen

If I asked if you are a sensual person what would you say? What if I asked you if you love yourself? The reason for the second question is that the two go hand in hand. I will try to explain the connection between the two. The topic is important because becoming more sensual can enhance your relationship.

What Makes A Person Attractive?

I am sure that many people would answer the above question with a description of physical qualities. But in reality attractiveness comes from other qualities. In fact, people that display confidence and a loving and playful personality are usually considered to be attractive, regardless of their outward appearance.

These same people have very a sensual quality. If it is a woman we are talking about men seem to be magically drawn to her. They may even be surprised at the attraction because her outward appearance may be very different than their usual preference.

Your mother was right if she told you that beauty comes from within. But what if you do not have an inner beauty; what if you do not present yourself as feeling confident, loving and playful?

Becoming More Sensual

Let's begin by discussing what makes a person feel confident. Step one is to love thyself. You've heard it before and I am sure you will hear it again and again; you have to love yourself first. Get to know yourself inside and out. Fall in love with what you find.

You are a wonderful person to start with and you can easily make yourself better. We have all heard the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it." I usually say you should not fake anything but this is definitely an exception to that.

The more you pretend or act like a self-confident, playful and loving person the more it will become a part of you. Soon you will find that the qualities are not fake at and that you truly are more self-confident. Your new personality traits will be attractive and other people will naturally be drawn to you.

Moods are contagious so if you exhibit wonderful qualities such as that of being playful and loving other people will desire to share in that. This may happen without the other person realizing or understanding the dynamics at play but the important thing is that it works.

Confident people use their voice, facial expressions, their eyes and their hands in sensual and attractive ways. Being sensual is a way to seduce without being obvious. Relationships and sensuality are preludes to wonderful sexual relationships.

Tip for women: when you are talking with a partner or a desired partner, try touching your face gently in order to draw attention. You might want to begin by softly and slowly caressing your jaw line. Then consider a soft and slow massage of the area behind one ear. Next you can slowly let your hand slide down your neck and caress your clavicle bone.

The point is that your intended partner will follow your hand and he will begin thinking about how you are touching yourself. You will appear sensual and he will desire you in a new way. Little things like playing with your hair or gently stroking your arm or leg can have the same effect.

If this act intimidates you I recommend that you practice in a mirror this. You see, if you perform the same act quickly it will not have the same effect at all. Slowly and gently is the key.

Sensuality is a very real part of seduction. It becomes a part of who you are and you become one of those people that others say they can't really put their finger on it but there is something special and unique about you. Your sensuality continues to blossom and your confidence soars. It becomes a wonderful cycle of sensuality!

Build a strong relationship and keep it alive! Get a FREE report about creating lasting relationships at: http://magicalmakeups.blogspot.com/ For more about romance & relationships visit: http://fitinsidenout.com/Romance.html

Debbie Allen is a relationship advisor, a writer, and an Internet marketer.

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Sensual Awareness and Sensual Meditation

By Lisa Branscomb

What is Sensual Awareness?

Sensual awareness is attention to the senses and stimuli obtained from the senses. The terms sensual awareness and sensuality do not distinguish between negative stimuli (pain) or positive stimuli (pleasure). Sensual awareness and sensuality certainly have nothing to do with self-gratification, immorality, or overindulgence. Our senses provide the information by which we base all of our intuitive thoughts, creativity, and desires, as well as our clear problem solving ability. They help us to determine what is right and what is wrong for us far better than any holy book, psychologist, or pop culture. By becoming fully present in our sensual perceptions we become more sensitive to our passions, our inner compass, our personal truth, or what we call our core values. Core values are true and authentic and are not influenced by the values and judgments of others.

Being Disconnected

Imagine a scenario where you are in a job that is unfulfilling and has been for several years. However, on paper that job is prestigious and friends and family envy your position. You know that something has to change but you don't know whether you should go back to school, start your own business, or change careers altogether. The years keep on passing but you fell stuck in the situation and just continue to have no idea what to do. Or imagine that you are running ragged, between your work, your commute, carting children to and fro, PTA meetings, scarfing down fast food in the car 3 or more times per week, and never being able to start that new hobby or get some needed exercise, then lying awake squandering precious sleep time at night fretting about the next hectic day. You know something has to change because this is unhealthy, you are exhausted, and it is beginning to show, but you continue to make no changes because you are torn between where to cut your activities for some relief and being a superhero. Your mind is racing a mile a minute and you just cannot make a decision on how to make life better. These are two simplified examples of how life can be when we are disconnected from our core values.

How Sensual Awareness Reconnects us to our Core Values

In our hectic culture, many of us are not immediately capable of sitting and meditating with a clear mind for long periods of time. In this instance, sensuality just serves as a different form of meditation that may be more a more accessible means to reconnect with what is authentic inside of us, allowing us to observe our condition from a neutral, relaxed perspective. Often we are either too busy in our daily lives to fully recognize our core values or are too accustomed to letting outside influences, i.e. religion, commercial, societal values, opinions of family and friends, etc. guide our desires to easily make decisions that correctly align or actions with them.

Although sensuality does not actually refer to stimuli that are positive or negative, the more engaging and pleasurable the experience, the more easily we can stay in that place of presence and allow our core values and passions to surface clearly. The key to sensual meditation is actively observing through our senses enough to keep us present but yet not so much as to overwhelm or distract us, and that is relaxing enough to quiet mental chatter. We must become aware of our sensations but without thinking about them. We are giving all sensations, both the pleasurable and the unpleasant or stressful ones, a place to simply BE. Without fighting or ignoring or manipulation, we can just observe them and release them, where they will cease to cloud our thoughts and judgments. Essentially here we are giving attention to our body-mind connection. Sensuality is the bridge between the body and the mind, because all thoughts originate with the senses. Get them working together in harmony and see what miracles can happen!

Getting Started with Sensual Meditation

Although sensual awareness as a meditation may be a more easily accessible form of meditation than other forms, it still takes practice. Here is a very simplified practice to get started:

• Find a quiet spot and sit comfortably. If necessary, make the environment more inviting with candles, incense, dimmed lighting, or fresh flowers.
• No need to close your eyes but it helps to relax the eyelids halfway. Begin with slow deep breathing, expanding the ribcage and filling the entire abdomen with nourishing oxygen and releasing the used air and clutter with each exhalation.
• Try not to think about anything, and as the thoughts arise, just release them and relax. Don't try too hard. Just go with the flow.
• Notice what you hear.
• Notice what you see.
• Notice how you feel.
• Notice what you smell.
• Notice what you taste.
• Be aware of your sensations and notice a sense of calm connectedness.
• Continue to experiment with your sensual meditations in various locations and activities over a month's time.

There is much more to sensual awareness, so you would be cheated if you stop here. Regular practice is needed to experience the full intensity of benefits such as increased ability to think clearly and creatively in all aspects of your life; the discovery of solutions to problems you may have been struggling with; generating more laughter and fun in your life; experiencing increased self-confidence; and becoming more relaxed with yourself and less stressed. Learning about the concepts of balancing male and female energies within; understanding the chakras, and using and playing with universal energy are also necessary to benefit from a rich sensual engagement with the world.

Lisa Branscomb, J.D. is the founder of LifeBliss Solutions, Life Coaching from a Tantric Perspective. She is dedicated to teaching how to incorporate simple tantric practices and sensuality into everyday life. For more information see: LifeBliss Solutions

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5 Basic Things You Need To Know About Sexual Response

By Tara Few

When it comes to sex many of us spend more time in our own heads listening to a running commentary about the sexual impression we are making than we do really focusing on our partner. When your evaluation of your own sexual performance becomes more important than connecting with your sexual partner and making sure that your ‘performance’ is what they actually want, then you may find that you forget very basic knowledge about how bodies work sexually. The following list includes common mistakes that men and women make because they just aren't paying attention. Most of it you may already know but do you remember it all when you're actually having sex or do you let yourself get in your own way?

1. DO NOT CHANGE TECHNIQUE OR POSITION AS YOUR PARTNER IS ABOUT TO REACH ORGASM

This applies to both men and women but is perhaps a more significant warning about how to abort a woman's orgasm. The male orgasm, at some point becomes inevitable. There is a point at which he IS going to come. If his partner changes what they are and how they are doing, this may reduce the intensity and pleasure of his orgasm but it will not stop him from coming. Most women require a consistent and rhythmic pressure to reach orgasm and, if this is suddenly altered before she orgasms, her ability to reach orgasm can dissipate instantly. I need not emphasise quite how frustrating this can be. This sort of misjudgment tends to arise when we are too busy listening to the kind of sex-based self-talk that is urging us to do something rather impressive rather than focusing on our partner and what they need. Also remember that women's orgasms can last 4 times as long as a man's, so don't stop what you're doing until she lets you know it's OK to stop. Certainly if she's had an orgasm via clitoral stimulation, she WILL let you know because the clitoris becomes extremely sensitive after orgasm and continued touch and pressure is more painful than pleasurable.

2. MANY MEN SIMPLY UNDERESTIMATE HOW LONG IT CAN TAKE FOR A WOMAN TO ORGASM

Much of the internalised anxiety we have about orgasms (when will I? am I going to? how long is she going to take?) can be reduced by knowing that most women are going to take a while. Many men simply underestimate how long it may take for a woman to orgasm. The oft-quoted for statistic of 20 minutes is not a standard for all women but it does give an idea that just because she is not there after 15 minutes, now might not be the time to give up trying. The amount of time before orgasm is going to depend upon how aroused she is at the beginning what you are doing and also who is doing it. Sometimes 2-3 minutes can be enough but this is likely to be the exception rather than the norm. Be prepared for how ever long it takes. Make sure you are both comfortable. For instance, if you are giving her oral sex, ask her to move her pelvis and hips against you rather than you moving your tongue all the time.

3. BOTH OF YOU MAY BE THINKING MORE ABOUT YOUR ORGASM THAN YOU ARE ABOUT EACH OTHER

Nothing is more likely to thwart an orgasm than the desperation to achieve it. Women who would like to orgasm more often are vulnerable to a destructive form of self-talk that sends them messages about the impossibility and futility of their ability to reach orgasm. This makes it impossible for the woman to relax into the physical sensations as she is too busy listening to an internal dialogs of criticism and judgment. Sometimes being determined to physically move into and against the pressure that your partner is providing can help to get you in touch with what your body is experiencing. To make orgasm more likely you may need to make sure that your partner is not trying to rush you towards orgasm, which he may be prone to do if he is inexperienced and thinks he's failed if you haven't come after 5 minutes. It's nobody's fault; you need to learn to communicate with each other, practice on yourself and work on generating more useful and relaxing sex self-talk.

4.THE DISAPPEARING CLITORIS

It is not unusual for women to berate men for being unable to find their clitoris. However, there is a very good reason why this is the the case. During sex, the clitoris has a tendency to go into hiding and so evade a well-meaning tongue or finger. What happens is that the clitoris retracts back into the clitoral hood and becomes difficult to find. Many men then experience some difficulty in locating it again and many women might fail to understand the very good reasons for his confusion. If this happens, either just stay stimulating in the same general area of her body or you can place your hand above her pubic bone and massage and pull up with the palm of your hand to encourage the clitoris out again. Not a big deal but a lot of women are unaware of how tricky and evasive the clitoris can be.

5. THE MOST SENSITIVE PART OF THE VAGINA IS IN THE FRONT THIRD

Nobody really knows how many women orgasm through penetration alone. The most usual statistic quoted is about 30%. Whatever the exact figure, I think it is safe to say that most women are not likely to reach orgasm with vaginal penetration alone. This means that men need to know a bit about her sexual anatomy. The greatest concentration of nerve endings in the vagina are situated in the front third, the third nearest to the vaginal entrance. Also, as of you are no doubt well aware, the majority of women find it easiest to orgasm through clitoral stimulation. This information should give you a good idea about where best to apply sexual stimulation if the intention is female orgasm. Using your fingers to thrust very deep inside her is less likely to get her to orgasm than is steady and rhythmic pressure to and around the clitoris. It is quite likely that she may find deep pressure arousing but less so that it will bring her to orgasm, unless she has a particularly sensitive G-spot (against the front of the vaginal wall, found by inserting a finger and then doing a beckoning motion). Similarly the most sensitive part of the penis, for most men, is the head especially the frenulum (between the head and the shaft - you've probably already found this but may not know the name).

Remember what I am telling you are generalizations and there is no substitute for asking. Good, clear communication feeds sexual pleasure, increases intimacy, makes sex more fun because you are both more relaxed and helps both of you experience more confidence and fulfillment.

(c) Dr Tara Few, 2007, The UK Sex Coach. http://www.uksexcoach.com
I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style, desires and needs. Connnect to the fun and pleasure potential of your sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more confident lover. You will update your knowledge, skills and become more accepting of who are you sexually. Contact me on tara@aragoncoaching.co.ukTo receive regular tips, techniques, articles and resources about sex, sign-up for my monthly eZine VENTURESQUE using the sign-up box on my website. http://www.uksexcoach.com

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7 Tricks for Lasting Longer in Bed - A Crash Course in Sexual Stamina

By Mukee Okan

My extensive experiences with tantric yoga, ancient sexuality practices, and contemporary western therapeutic paradigms have exposed me to many 'tricks-of-the-trade' when it comes to coming.

In this article I'll attempt to distill some of this simple but powerful wisdom. Hopefully men seeking to improve their sexual stamina, or even just to educate themselves sexually, can begin to use this as a roadmap for their quest. And a very worthy quest it is too, (speaking as a woman).

If there is one thing I cannot resist it is a man who is dedicated to learning more about his body and sexuality in general.

I know I speak for a lot of other women when I say that the most important quality in a lover is a commitment to improving the quality of his, and his partner's, sexual experiences.

THE TRICKS TO LASTING LONGER

1. Relax and increase your body awareness

There are very many techniques out there to help you relax and be more able to 'feel' your body. As a yoga practitioner I have experience with very many powerful relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques.

Perhaps the simplest one is just paying attention to your breathing during sex. Not controlling it, just noticing it.

Masters and Johnson also developed a technique known as "sensate focus exercises" which I use extensively in my practice as sexual surrogate therapist and sex 'coach'.

2. Focus on pleasure in sex, rather than sexual performance.

Let go of any expectations about the outcome of sex. Going into a sexual experience with a 'plan' robs you of any ability to be open minded.

You cannot learn from sex if you are focused on how it should look.

Instead, notice the pleasure as it is happening. The pleasure will show you what is good. It is the ultimate teacher when it comes to sex.

3. Increase awareness of your sexual arousal.

Again, open your awareness to your feelings of pleasure and pay close attention to your arousal levels. Awareness is the first step to understanding; which is itself a step towards mastery.

Focus on your pleasure during sex, during masturbation, or even the subtle pleasure you experience when a gorgeous woman gets on the bus.

4. Extend your sexual arousal to higher levels.

There are many techniques you can learn to extend your pleasure. As you become more aware of your sexual arousal a natural increase in your arousal level is inevitable.

This will happen because you will become familiar and comfortable with your pleasure, and your body will propel you to greater heights naturally.

Be sure to practice sex and pleasure often, so your body can keep teaching you.

5. Master your sexual arousal consistently at higher levels.

As your sexual pleasure naturally increases with more practice, you will begin to 'play' with it.

Manipulate your breathing patterns, sexual energy field and subtle internal sensations, to the point that you can begin to feel mastery over them.

Again, ancient wisdom, sex manuals and other people's experiences are full of eye opening possibilities.

6. Become accustomed to a steady level of intense arousal.

Get into the habit of building your sexual pleasure and indulging in it fully. Let the moments you feel pleasure expand.

Let the arousal continue as if it didn't need to end ever. It will of course, but you don't care when ... just let it happen.

7. Stop thinking

Drop your conscious mind out of the picture. Investigate or experiment with techniques to get your internal dialogue to shut up.

Experience all of this intense and joyous pleasure, not in your head, not by thinking about it ... but in your body. Feel it!

THE KEY is connecting more deeply to your own sensations and feelings.

Here's a bonus tricky tip for you. It's also the most important one.

8. Remember your own commitment to learn and grow.. . it all comes back to you.

By the way, if some of these tricks seem to be a bit of a tease it's because they are. Each one could be the subject of several very in depth articles or sexuality workshops.

I want you to take the time to ponder these tricks and look further. I wish you well on your adventures and I wish you very much pleasure.

Copyright 2005 Mukee Okan

Mukee Okan is a world renowned sexual therapist and spiritual guide. She is based in Phoenix and keeps herself busy running workshops and sessions in Europe, North America, Asia, Australia and New Zealand.
Visit http://www.erectilejaculation.com to download free audio files or purchase her e-book on overcoming premature ejaculation.

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